Every year, Oscar nominations are released early on a Tuesday morning, and the Internet reaction is generally negative in a way that only the Internet can be. It consists of pages and pages of quickly digestible tidbits of complaining, mainly consisting of “Why didn’t (some movie/actor) get (some nomination)?!?! THIS IS WHY THE OSCARS SUCK!” This is of course complemented by the one or two hyperbolic caps-lock users, declaring that this is, indeed, the Worst Oscars Ever.

These reactions usually make my eyes glaze over – these people aren’t voting for a reason, and their opinion doesn’t matter to anyone (probably even the movie/actor that they think should’ve been nominated). This is how I usually feel because this complaining is usually stupid – 2011 was actually a great year for the Oscars, featuring a lot of very good movies that deserved it. But this year, 2012, I’ve got some issues. I hate myself for feeling slighted that some people that I will never know aren’t nominated for a prize that I have no say in, but hopefully this well explain why 2012 will be the worst year for the Oscars in recent memory.

Who/what should’ve gotten more (or ANYTHING):

• Drive – 1 nomination in Sound Editing. Drive was an amazing movie, and it missed in ALL of the categories that I wasn’t hoping for, but was really simply expecting. Picture and supporting actor for Albert Brooks were gimmes, and director, writing, and music for Cliff Martinez should’ve also been included, among others. This is confusing for me – my guess is that a movie released in September needs a huge ‘For Your Consideration’ ad push in December/January, and it wasn’t there.
• Michael Fassbender – He put in a big year with Shame and A Dangerous Method in addition to X-Men: First Class, but is not recognized. The man’s a seriously skilled actor and he had a great year. Where’s the nod?
• Melancholia – Don’t think I’m too shocked about this, and I didn’t expect a Best Picture. However, Kirsten Dunst put in great work in this study of depression, the meaninglessness of Western society’s traditions and rituals, and the end of the world. Also – it was beautifully shot. The hilariously abrupt ending aside, this movie needed some attention.
• Andy Serkis – The longest of long shots, so I don’t think anyone feels too slighted. However, the day is coming soon when motion-captured acting gets a serious acting nomination (probably to Serkis – two new Hobbit movies coming soon), but I think Serkis’s role in Rise of the Planet of the Apes should’ve been the one to break that barrier.
• Girl With the Dragon Tattoo – a great film, and deserving of a Best Picture nomination, if not a win. Regardless, I’m hoping Rooney Mara wins for Best Actress. Mainly though, Trent Reznor wasn’t nominated coming off his Oscar win last year for The Social Network. The Academy seems to be very strange in its score voting. Last year, Daft Punk didn’t get a nomination for Tron: Legacy, and this year, both Cliff Martinez of Drive and Reznor missed it in favor of two John Williams scores. I love Williams, but I really don’t think the Academy fully understands or appreciates experimental electronic/orchestrated hybrids, barring Reznor’s win last year.

Who/what got too much:

• Bridesmaids: a funny movie, yes. Problem is, everything after the airplane scene (and especially the ending) left me uninvolved, and the hype didn’t match what I watched. Regardless, it was nominated for Best Screenplay. Also leaving me confused is how this is possible from a movie in which the best component, Melissa McCarthy, has very little screen time and I assume ad-libbed a majority of lines?
• Moneyball: Again, a decent movie. Aaron Sorkin came off of The Social Network to this, and there are flashes of that wit and razor sharp story, but not worthy of a Best Picture.
• Extremely Loud & Incredibly Close: I didn’t see it, and don’t want to. The trailer hit me as melodramatic junk that always seems to get more attention than it deserves (I’m looking at you, Precious). Also, it’s got a 48% on Rotten Tomatoes. People who watch movies religiously according to its RT percentage probably ordered vanilla ice cream and lukewarm water at the concession stand, but 48% is a safe bet against, especially in the always wonderful melodrama genre.

And a few pleasant surprises (amazingly)

• Jonah Hill/Melissa McCarthy: A pair of comedic actors getting the rare Oscar nomination. I’m a little disappointed that Hill’s nomination probably should be Albert Brooks’s, but when a guy comes from Accepted – “ask me about my weiner!” to an Oscar nomination, it makes me smile. Even better, McCarthy in a purely comedic role where shit-based humor plays a fairly significant role gets a nom – FOR THAT ROLE. She won’t win, and I’m shocked she even get nominated, again, she left me smiling.

Consider me vented. Obviously, the only reason things like this happen is that 2011 was a slim year in film. I’m excited for 2012, and maybe I’ll write about something that strikes me particularly. Otherwise, watch this space 18 months from now for my next stupid stereotypical Internet-rant. I’m going to wash my keyboard off with soap after this.

So, here’s some movies that have piqued my interest whether it’s “Ohmygodineeditnow!” or “Could be okay.” If it’s not here, it might as well not even be coming out. I have spoken.

Iron Man 2 (May 7, 2010)

Iron Man came out in a year when $585 million worldwide box office would only earn it second place for a superhero movie. However, Robert Downey Jr. busted back onto the scene with the film, and my man-crush has been going strong ever since. He’s back for the sequel, along with a pretty amazing cast – Gwyneth Paltrow, Samuel L. Jackson, Mickey Rourke, Scarlett Johannson, Don Cheadle, and Sam Rockwell.

I can’t imagine that much would change in the formula – witty banter between characters followed by metal suits blowing shit up, and it looks like there’s going to be a lot more of that. Though instead of 1 small suit fighting 1 big suit, there’s going to be 2 small suits fighting 20 small suits and Mickey Rourke’s electric whip. Best band name ever: Mickey Rourke’s Electric Whip.

MacGruber (May 21, 2010)

MACGRUBER! He makes life saving inventions out of household materials! MACGRUBER! This skit at its best is completely absurd, and I love it. I guess the question is if a 3-minute sketch can get expanded to a 90-minute feature, especially based on previous SNL skit-turned-shit like It’s Pat and Coneheads. I’m optimistic though – co-starring is Ryan Phillippe and Val Kilmer (who regained definitely his cool in Kiss Kiss Bang Bang).

Get Him to the Greek (June 5, 2010)

I love me some Forgetting Sarah Marshall. Someone else must agree, because this film uses characters from that movie in an all new burst of hilarity. Jonah Hill plays the awkward yet endearing chubby guy and Russell Brand plays the flamboyant British rockstar. Drunk jokes! Drug jokes! Ass jokes! I’m there.

Toy Story 3 (June 18, 2010)

I love Toy Story so much that I, being a grown up, went to see the Toy Story/Toy Story 2 double feature in 3D when it was re-released last year. Even if this movie is one too many, I’m still glad there’s another one to go experience. I was 10 when the last one was released, and Pixar is going to have to appeal to the first generation of Pixar fans in addition to the new, Cars-lunchbox-using generation.

Predators (July 9, 2010)

This probably belongs in the ‘meh’ section, but I’m just excited for Robert Rodriguez’s take on the franchise. Plus Laurence Fishburne is in it. [Insert red pill/blue pill joke here].

Inception (July 16, 2010)

I will see this movie three times in the theater. How do I know? Because there is nothing about this that doesn’t appeal to me. Chris Nolan, coming off the modest success that was The Dark Knight, got to make the movie he wanted and with as much money as he needed. This is the result. Leo Dicaprio and a pretty amazing supporting cast star in a movie that I don’t really know anything about – and I’m going to keep it that way. Trust me, don’t watch any new trailers that marketing thinks are necessary and don’t read interviews. Just walk in blind, and enjoy the ride. I know I will.

I Love You Phillip Morris (July 30, 2010)

This movie has had a lot of trouble finding its release date, but it’s here. Jim Carrey falls in love with Ewan McGregor in prison. I’m sure it will be unsettling for a lot of people to see their standby funny-man kissing Obi-wan Kenobi, but I guess the only question is how could this not be great?

The Other Guys (August 6, 2010)

Will Ferrell! Mark Wahlberg! Sam Jackson! The Rock! Michael Keaton? Yes! Adam McKay and Ferrell haven’t taken on the buddy comedy yet, but it looks like they will take it down hard with this film. I laughed about 17 times during the trailer. Now they just need to make Anchorman 2.

Scott Pilgrim vs. The World (August 13, 2010)

Michael Cera again plays Michael Cera, the awkward, skinny, shy young man who goes through a personal struggle in order to impress a girl. Fine. I’ll ignore that part, and instead pay attention to Edgar Wright, director of the amazing Shaun of the Dead in charge of a hyper-hyper-stylized comic book movie where Mr. Cera has to defeat the girl’s ex-boyfriend who include Superman Brandon Routh, Captain America (and Human Torch) Chris Evans, and.. well, he was never a superhero but still a good actor, Jason Schwartzman.

And then there’s movies that have interesting trailers (in the title links), though they leave me skeptical:

Prince of Persia (May 28, 2010): Jake Gyllenhaal playing an Iranian, with a British accent. Cool action, ripped Jake. It’ll make a lot of money.

Splice (June 5, 2010): A scientist couple makes some sort of human/animal/alien/something hybrid. This has been coming for awhile, so who knows.

The A-Team (June 11, 2010): Like the TV show. Except with tanks skydiving out of airplanes. I think this will be alright. Not amazing, but a fun brainless summer movie.

Salt (July 23, 2010): Angelina Jolie is told she’s a Russian spy, but she hasn’t been triggered yet. Seems like a cross between Minority Report and The Manchurian Candidate, which is great because those were two of my favorite movies of the last decade.

The Expendables (August 13, 2010) – Special note: Arnold Schwarzenegger, Bruce Willis, AND Sylvester Stallone on screen at the same time. On top of Jet Li, Jason Statham, and every wrestler/actor alive? Even if this movie sucks, at least you’ll get your year’s worth of testosterone in one bite-sized tablet. And yes, this gets its own Youtube embed:

The M. Night Shyamalan Consolation Prize:

The Last Airbender (July 2, 2010) – He made the worst movie of 2008. So, of course, the suits gave him MORE money to make an action/fantasy movie. All is well in Hollywood.

Inexplicably making huge amounts of money based only on glittery cheeks, toned abs, crappy CGI, and PG-13 sexual tension:

The Twilight Saga: Eclipse (June 30, 2010) – Nothing to say here. I just know that people would be upset if I didn’t include this, and I’m a generous guy. And no, I’m not attaching the trailer.

Have fun watching movies this summer.. whether I’m in Michigan, Barcelona, or Houston, I’ll be watching too and updating you with only the wittiest of movie critiques.

• Shutter Island: great great great. See it now;
• Sherlock Holmes: maybe stylized for the sake of being stylized, but it was still a cool movie and I’m still really looking forward to the sequel that was set up;
• Up In The Air: a movie everyone should see.. I was surprised how close to home it hit for me; and
• Best Picture winner The Hurt Locker: Tense and entertaining. Just don’t think it should have won the Oscar.

For my full review however, I’ll be talking Kick-Ass. I avoided the temptation to use the name of the movie in a faux-witty headline that many critics feel is necessary in a movie with a verb as its title. Possibilities off the top of my head include “Kick-Ass Does Just That!” or “Kick-Ass? Not Really”. A quick Google search yielded this literary gem from the venerable St. Albert Gazette (huh?) – Kick-Ass lacks kick. No. I refuse do that to you.

Exit polling showed that 57% of first weekend box office receipts were from the ever-growing 'Catholic schoolgirl pedophile' demographic

The rundown:

A nerdy teenager who can’t tell the girl he likes how he feels wants to do something more with his life. He wonders why no one has tried to be a superhero before, so he orders a scuba suit over the Internet and proceeds to flex in the mirror and practice his (nonexistent) skills in back alleys and on rooftops as the new hero Kick-Ass. Or: a huge riff on Tobey Maguire’s Spider-Man. Fine. It’s entertaining, it breaks down the stereotypical superhero movie, and I laughed. What more can you ask of something that’s so obviously easy to write?

The more interesting half of this movie focuses on an ex-police officer (a hilarious, understated Nic Cage.. definite improvement over this atrocity) who has a personal vendetta against a mob boss who was responsible for his wife’s death. His revenge plot includes training his 10-ish year old daughter to be part of his superhuman fighting machine team (Big Daddy and Hit Girl). And she swears. A lot. And not just PG-13 level cursing. We’re talking Christmas Story type “F-dash-dash-dash”. And more. Think of the popular-consensus worst word in the English swearing repertoire. She says it. And it’s awesome.

And that brings me to one of my main points over which I was left conflicted. I really like the choice to make this little girl into what is basically a tiny adult. It’s thought-provoking beyond what this movie should be.. it may be a commentary on how kids are growing up too fast, and that the age of innocence is growing smaller and smaller in such a way that  in the near future, her character will just be how kid are. I just don’t think that’s what the film was going for.

I can’t say that anything like her character has ever been put on film and I wonder what the point was. Was it done only to be extreme and cause controversy? To make people uncomfortable? The first time she swears, the theater let out an awkward giggle. Was that what the writers were going for? That’s not to say it wasn’t amazingly entertaining, but why distract viewers from the movie by essentially creating a gimmick in a little girl that shoots guns and swears?

I walked out of the theater feeling like I enjoyed myself. It’s definitely an entertaining ride. I was a little disappointed by the ending, where this movie about supposedly real people dressed up in suits simply gets too far-fetched to be called realistic. The romance writing between our hero Kick-Ass and his girlfriend devolved to Attack of the Clones levels of shit. I actually said to BFlor during the movie, ‘Yeah, because people actually talk like that.’ Why is it so hard for science fiction/fantasy/comic book writers to come up with a romantic scene that doesn’t sound like a Lifetime soap opera? Oh yeah.. they’re science fiction/fantasy/comic book writers. Not many real male-female interactions to go off of in mom’s basement.

Acting bullets:

• I really liked Mark Strong’s mob boss. I don’t know where this guy came from, but between this and Sherlock Holmes, I think he’ll be alright.
• Sad to say but Chris Mintz-Plasse, playing here the mob boss son/misunderstood villain, is just about out of steam. You can’t play squeaky voiced 17-year-olds forever, and I’m not seeing an Anthony Michael Hall transformation in his future.
• Clark Duke: way underused. I guess he’s gotta get paid, but he basically isn’t in this movie.
• Chloe Moretz played Hit Girl. This movie has probably ended her childhood way too prematurely, but at least she’s a very good actress, and the viewing public will be able to take future movie-watching pleasure in her shattered innocence.

Final word:

This film isn’t for the faint of heart, and it doesn’t pretend to be. It’s a hard R, and you’ll get copious amount of over-the-top, sometimes painful to watch, violence and swearing involving a 10 year old girl. And don’t forget the very funny sex scenes.. though I won’t spoil it. Kleenex is involved. The 10 year old girl is not. The creators may have some semblance of a conscience.

If this sounds like your cup of tea, leave your morals at the door and go and enjoy it for what it is. If not, then enjoy the knitting circle at the community center, Margaret.

(of out 5)

I think that’s all I’ve got. Comment, let me know what you think. Hopefully I’ll be back soon.

The ‘No One Saw These But They Should’ consolation prize:

• Up In The Air - I’m going to see this soon, and I’m sure it will lead to a revision. Stay tuned.
• The Road – Post-apocalyptic dreariness, walking out of the theater wondering what the point of life is – my kind of movie. Too bad it didn’t play anywhere.
• The Hurt Locker - Called by some the best war film of all time. We’ll see.
• Sherlock Holmes – I love Robert Downey Jr. too much to let this one slip by.
• Precious – Doesn’t seem much like my cup of tea, but the actress playing the main character was pretty entertaining on Conan and swung this film into the ‘I’ll get around to it eventually’ category.

The ‘Close But No Cigar’ Honorable Mentions:

• Where The Wild Things Are – Charming and sad, it captured the loneliness of childhood very well and had a great soundtrack and amazing monster costumes. It just felt a little too melodramatic for its own good.
• Funny People – An undeniably very funny film at points, it doesn’t seem to know who its main character is as it shifts back and forth from Seth Rogen to Adam Sandler. The ending trailed off weakly. With all of the talent, this film tried to pack too much in and was ultimately a disappointment.
• Zombieland - Another entertaining movie, but didn’t fit in my Top 10. The Bill Murray cameo was great, but (and this is a nitpick) after the great Zombie Survival Guide and 28 Days Later in which the zombie-infested world is realistically investigated, my one complaint after this film was wondering how there was still electricity.
• Paranormal Activity - A fun film to see in theaters, but do I ever need to see it again? No. This film was a flash in the pan; a pop-culture phenomenon that will be distantly remembered but ultimately left behind.
• The Blind Side – My personal dislike of Sandra Bullock probably played into me not liking this film as much as I should have. However, it was a solid (though very sappy) football drama and I’m calling for Bullock to win an Oscar for her performance.

The Worst Film of 2009

• Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen – You know what, Megan Fox’s acting wasn’t even my least favorite part of this movie. After this and Jennifer’s Body, I think 2009 will be the year that Megan Fox proved that she isn’t just  a low-cut shirt. But Transformers 2 still sucked. Occasionally funny with occasionally engaging action, but mostly just bad writing and one-liners that surrounded soulless action scenes. Huge disappointment, but then again it’s Michael Bay. I should have seen it coming.

Finally, the MaxReview Top 10 Films of 2009

10. Adventureland

In my review, I noted how this wasn’t the usual coming of age tale. Directed by Superbad director Greg Mottola, and starring Zombieland‘s Jessie Eisenberg and Kristen Stewart, star of the vampire film that won’t be named, this film is both funny and touching. Sadly, it was forgotten in its early year release.

9. I Love You, Man

Jason Segel and Paul Rudd team up again after my #4 film from 2008, Forgetting Sarah Marshall, to similarly awesome results. The chemistry between Segel and Rudd is basically pee-in-your-pants hilarious. I dare you to try to watch it without saying ‘Slappa-da-bass’ after it gets done.

.

8. Watchmen

This film didn’t get the love it deserved. This was the film I was most excited for in 2009, and I wasn’t disappointed. It wasn’t a perfect adaptation of the novel, but it was beautifully shot and had great visual effects complimented by a soundtrack of classics. The best dissection of the superhero genre ever put to film.

7. Moon

I’ve been coming around to appreciate Sam Rockwell as an actor, coming a long way since playing the gross crazyman in The Green Mile. This may be his best performance yet. In it, he is nearing the end of his solitary 3-year mining mission on the moon until an accident forces him to face the reality of what happens when his mission ends. It takes cues from 2001, but is solidly its own.

6. Star Trek

This has been the 2009 movie that I’ve watched the most since it was released on home video. The plot is a bit complicated (my review), but the visuals (even with excessive lens flare) and music are amazing. The performances of the cast range from passable with Zachary Quinto’s Spock to great in Karl Urban’s McCoy. I can’t believe it, but I actually like Star Trek. God help me.

5. Avatar

I didn’t write a separate review for this. I know from all of the email I got wondering where it was (…) that the readers are incredibly disappointed. However, everyone and their mom probably already saw this, so who needs me to tell them what they saw? Here it is – a fairly predictable though exciting plot and really (really) amazing visuals make for a movie that needs to be seen. I’m still not sold on what the point of 3D is, but this was a great film. My skepticism was misplaced, and I was never happier to be wrong. This just better not win the Best Picture Oscar.

4. The Hangover

Believe it or not, this was the film I saw the most in theaters in 2009. And it was more hilarious the second time. I’m happy to say that the success of the this movie rode completely on the back of Zach Galfianakis because this guy has been doing hilarious and off-beat work for a long time and deserves to get recognized. Hopefully the upcoming sequel can keep the same feel of the first without feeling forced.

3. District 9

Maybe it’s not the most cleverly veiled political allegory about immigration rights (or apartheid, or whatever) but it’s definitely an original story about an alien ship being stuck over South Africa. Past that, the film was made for approximately .00001% of the total of Avatar but has great special effects. Also impressive was newcomer Sharlto Copley as main character Wikus van der Merwe. I also have the film to thank for whenever I see seafood I have to say ‘Fookin prawns!’

2. Up

I guess Pixar doesn’t know how to make bad movies. I was wary, as this was the first Pixar film to focus on normal people – not superheroes, not obese future-people – just an old guy and a chubby Asian Boy Scout. And it turned out to be another absolute winner: sad and hilarious. I guess it’s not even worth trying to rank them – they all have been great. However, with the Oscars’ recent change to 10 Best Picture nominations, this will probably be the first to nominated.

1. Inglourious Basterds

They’re in the Nazi-killin’ bizness, and cousin, bizness is a-boomin’. Quentin Tarantino’s first film since his really-not-that-great half of Grindhouse is also his best since Pulp Fiction, if not his best ever. There’s been a bit of a backlash against this film with people calling it pretentious and overrated, but I just can’t get myself not to like it. This should bring in at least a few Oscar noms, including Best Picture and for the awesome performance as the Nazi ‘Jew Hunter’ Col. Landa by Christopher Waltz. Like he said – “That’s a bingo!”

And there it is. See something I didn’t mention? Think I’m completely wrong? Let me know. Hope everyone has a great 2010.

In other news, I’ve seen a few movies since I last wrote. Most recently, I saw The Blind Side.  I saw the trailer and, with my disdain for Sandra Bullock (thanks go out to CK and The Proposal for that) I expected it to be unbearable.

I actually... didn't hate it. Ugh.

But, it was pretty football-heavy so I actually enjoyed myself, and it made me miss the ole playing days. It did a better job than a lot of other movies in showing the real-ish high school football experience.

But, I’m not going to give it the full review treatment.  Why? Because it’s generally a forgettable piece of feel-goodery with no real conflict.  So, I plan on writing my next review once I’m on winter break (and hopefully gainfully employed) for what should be the film of the month: Avatar.

I mean, it’s James Cameron, the guy who directed the first two Terminators, Aliens, True Lies, cough*Titanic*cough, and Aquaman in Entourage, so I know he can make a mean movie.  But I just don’t know what to expect with all of the CGI flying around on screen in what’s supposed to be a live action movie, and then there’s this:

I'm still deciding if this is the PG-13 Smurf adaptation.

Final Fantasy looking CGI character with Papyrus font.  Holy hell. Luckily, I refuse to base any opinion on posters. So, new and old readers, when this thing sucks you can be sure that I’ll do my best to at least be witty about it.  Also, I’m starting to think about the second annual Top 10 (last year’s) and Pre-Emptive Excitement lists – the end of the year is fast approaching.  The Top 1o of 2009 will also look back at my Pre-Emptive 2009 list (includes year-old, though still fresh, Avatar skepticism) and talk about just how psychic I was (or wasn’t).

Wish me luck on exams, and see you on the other side.

I’ve seen a ton of movies across that span, and I want to write reviews for all of them.  Most recently I watched Up (Pixar continues to simply make amazing movies), Public Enemies, Where the Wild Things Are, Zombieland, and something you’ve probably never heard of: Antichrist starring Willem Dafoe (he’ll get you, Spider-man!). I may still write a review for Antichrist, but I don’t know if what I can say hasn’t been said already by the paid ‘professionals’.

I included the trailer just so you can get a feel for what I saw as far as the whole movie.  Except not at all. It’s said to be a horror film, I guess because that’s the closest to any genre the film touches. However, I never felt fear while watching.  Just sick to my stomach – while it is beautifully shot, it’s also incredibly surreal, painfully violent, sexually explicit (read: pornographic), and painfully violently sexually explicit.  I wondered at points if I wanted to keep watching.  But that’s for the full review, if I end up writing one.

However, I won’t include the trailer for the main film this review is about: Paranormal Activity. Why? Because it gives everything away.  This is a movie that should be seen with as little prior knowledge as possible.  That, and a two minute trailer could potentially include everything of value with regards to something actually happening on screen.

That’s not to say that it’s not an enjoyable film.  Shot for a matter of a few thousand dollars (while probably bringing in close to $100 million by the time its run ends), this is a scary movie, but different from any horror film of this decade.  There’s no gore, no demonic faces or complicated makeup, and for the most part no sudden noises that I consider to be a cheap, exploitative thrill that leaves me feeling angry and stupid for jumping.

Paranormal Activity‘s strength (and really, its only strength) is the sense of foreboding that settles in every time the couples turns out the lights and the camera watches them sleep as the clock in the corner of the screen ticks by at various speeds.  The clock will speed up as we fast-forward through uneventful parts of the night, but when it begins playing at normal speed at 3:30 AM, myself and everyone else in the theater visibly tensed for whatever was going to happen.  To me, being scared without having any reason to other than expecting something to happen is the true mark of a horror film’s success.  You’ll want to see this film on a weekend night when you know the theater will be full, because there’s always that one girl that can scream really loudly.

Some people (those with ADD) will say that the film isn’t scary, or that it was boring.  They’re wrong.  This film may be overhyped, but by the time the film goes to black (there are no credits), you will at least be unsettled.  At most (if a strong wind frightens you), you’ll be shaking, crying, and glad you wore your Depends. Anyone else (those with ADD) can go watch Saw VIIIVIVI or FeardotCom.

I probably shouldn’t even bother with any kind of serious critical analysis other than ‘Yea, I felt scared. Go see it.’  However, I’ll just say that the writing and acting is pretty groan-inducing.  During the day time, we get amateur actors playing unlikable characters that are saying lame and unrealistic things in a thin story put in place only to break up the scares.

Frat boy and shrill girlfriend deserve it. Worst couple ever.

The ending upset me a little because it did exactly what I don’t like horror to do, but it was a thrilling climax of the dread that the film continually builds. There’s an alternate ending that doesn’t end on such a heart pumping note, but it does feel more in line with the film’s overall tone of not knowing if something else is going to happen.  The ending attached to the theatrical release is the Hollywood ending, but it’s probably for the best.

My advice is to just laugh along with the wooden dialogue and bad acting – those are the times that you and everyone else in the theater will get to loosen your grips on the armrest.

(out of 5)

Let’s just get this out of the way – I’ve never liked the franchise.  Too cheesy, too nerdy, too boring (disregarding the badass combo that is Patrick Stewart and LeVar Burton).  But, being a fan of Mission Impossible III, Cloverfield, and LOST (that finale! Dayum!), I decided to give JJ a shot.  For the most part, he succeeded.

Oh Leonard Nimoy, I, Winona Ryder understand what it means to have your career be in the toilet and being forced to do cameo roles

I decided that I didn’t want to take my Trek alone, and cleared out my social calendar and brought K along for the ride.  Props to her for being such a trooper in the wake of numerous immunizations she apparently slipped under the radar without, spending years at college infecting people.  But, because she got shots for tetanus and other diseases that I thought had long been eradicated by modern medicine including polio, the black plague, dog flu, and rubella, I felt safe enough to let her come along.

The movie? Right.  Again, this is my best attempt at explaining.  Don’t hate me, hate the writers.  In the year 23-something, newborn James Kirk’s dad sacrifices himself and saves a bunch of people on a Federation spaceship from Eric Bana’s perfectly American accented villian Nero, who is looking for Spock, but in the wrong time.  So we flash forward to the year 23-something-later where Kirk as a kid for some reason jumps a 1955 Corvette into the Grand Canyon while Beastie Boys’ Sabotage is playing and he’s getting chased by a hovering motorcycle cop.  Pointless?  As far as I can tell.  Awesome?  You bet.

We then go forward again to 23-something-even-later and Kirk (Chris Pine) is a civilian teenager living in a military town who spends his time getting into barfights with the cadets.  He’s told he’s “meant for something better,” and decides to join up.  Of course, he’s the loner who breaks all the rules, and gets in trouble with Academy leader Tyler Perry (yea..) after cheating on a test that teen Spock (Zachary Quinto) made to be unbeatable.  He’s about to go to jail, or something, when Nero decides to come out of hiding and attack Federation ships.

And Spock.  We get all the stops pulled out here.  There’s young Spock having trouble being both a human and a Spock-species (Vulcan?).  We get teenage Spock, also suffering the same problems but dating/ignoring/whining to the sexy black chick, so everything really is okay.  And then we get old Spock.. umm.  What?  I actually don’t remember how old Spock is in their time, but I think he was exiled to Hoth with Cloverfield monsters because he decided to let Nero’s planet be destroyed in the future, which is why Nero is looking for Spock in the first place. Ohhh.. Huh?

But moving on.  Like I said, the story is convoluted and would definitely take a few viewings to completely digest.  But other than that, it was surprisingly funny and light-hearted, even though I’m pretty sure only the Trekkies were laughing at some of the jokes while K and I laughed at the laughing.

The cast was acceptable, but not as great as I would’ve thought.  Simon Pegg (Shaun of the Dead) and Harold from the White Castle movie were okay at best.  Karl Urban played the doctor, and I think you’ll be hearing more about him as he gave a great performance.  Charlie Bartlett, aka Anton Yelchin played Chekov.  Side note – believe it or not, a guy named Anton Yelchin was born in Russia.  His perfect English just fooled me, but thank God for IMDB and facebook link sharing.  Pine and Quinto did what they needed to while being grumpy towards each other and then gradually coming to an understanding, but I wasn’t blown away.

The effects were indeed great.  Ever secretly wonder what it looks like for a planet to get sucked into a black hole?  I know you did, and Trek has got you covered.

All in all, this didn’t feel like the various parts of other Trek movies I’ve seen.  Fast pacing, snappy lines (you could forget that it isn’t 2009 with the contemporary speech, music, and wardrobe though) and nice visuals are pretty smoothly wrapped up, albeit in a fairly confusing package.  That doesn’t take away from the experience though.  When all else fails, laugh at the Trekkies.

Well.  I’ve gotta say, this review rolled out pretty quickly.  What can I say though, charmingly picking apart science fiction movies just comes naturally to me.  And for all my loyal fans reading this, I guessss I could be a nice guy and meet you at the Pita Place in Muskegon where we can discuss this gold that comes out of my keyboard, and more interesting things like where the best swingset in town is.

(out of 4)

You know, I'm also surprised that this is way better than the trailer looks!

Director Greg Mottola returns after his 2007 hit Superbad to bring us Adventureland, aka Superbad 2, starring Michael Cera’s curly haired twin Jesse Eisenberg as James.  It also stars that girl (Kristen Stewart) from that vampire movie which will not be named, as well as Apatow-type comedy standards like Bill Hader, Kristen Wiig, and Martin Starr.  Also starring is Ryan Reynolds in an interesting role that I don’t remember ever having exactly seen in a movie before.

That said, the film’s story makes it worth seeing.  The trailers definitely undersell what this film is, and my advice is to not expect the film you see in the trailer.  Set in 1987, this isn’t a cliched coming of age teenage romantic comedy.  Halfway through during an intermission, film reels were switched and I remember telling my friend that I honestly didn’t know how the film would end.  While I call this film Superbad 2 only because of the Michael Cera soundalike as its leading man, this is a more heartfelt film.  It’s emotional depth easily reaches beyond the final 15 minutes of Superbad.

This film is different because all of the characters are older than teenage comedies normally allow.  James just graduated from college and is a virgin (as he said regarding virginity – “Really? In this day and age?”).  The other characters are home from college for the summer.  This allows the characters to engage in ‘real-life’ interactions with their parents.  The best part of their older age is that the film doesn’t make the viewer feel that these ‘grown-ups’ hold all the responsibility that they should as they smoke pot and drink every day during work at the park.  Why do they all continute to return to work at the park every summer and delay moving on to their futures?

Everyone works at the park because they need money to continue delaying the inevitable.  In a time of economic turmoil, viewers can relate to this film and its incredible relevance. James wants to go to graduate school (to avoid the real world?), but has no way to afford it as his father was demoted.  Sexy disco dancer/unattainable girl Lisa P. (played by Margarita Levieva) works because her dad was injured on the job.  These characters are us.  They struggle just like anyone else.  It’s refreshing to see characters in a Superbad-like movie who don’t have unlimited funds from Mommy and Daddy.

The relationships in the film kept me engaged and was really the catalyst for making me want to continue watching.  Who would end up with who?  Would anyone end up with anyone?  Ultimately, we’re left wondering what will happen once the film ends.  Nothing is for sure, but we know that character arcs have come full circle and that the uncertain conclusion is the most satisfying.

I have to mention Ryan Reynolds’ character, the older rock and roller mentor for James.  His character takes a darker, sadder turn than I would’ve ever expected in a film like this.  I think it took a lot of courage to include it, and I applaud the writers and director for including his part in the story.

I should probably also mention that, believe it or not, this is a comedy.  The laughs come hard and often, but ultimately when you walk out of the theater this film won’t be forced out of your mind like any other brainless comedies.  I’ve written about what affected me the most, and the themes, characters, and writing are what I’ll remember most.

The film is also beautifully shot.  Set during all times of the day, the carnival’s bright lights jump off the screen during the nighttime, and the hazy gray of a Pennsylvania summer dawn absorbs you.

The music is also a character in itself.  One gag involves the carnival workers’ hatred for the constantly playing ‘Rock Me Amadeus’ by Falco.  The film was also interesting as a musical period piece.  The 80s were a time of musical transition, and no one remembers that there were still ‘discos’ leftover from the 70s where groovy beats still rolled.  However, these characters are much like the disco they hang out in – they’re in between two different worlds, stuck awkwardly in a time of transition and unsure of what the future will hold.

Adventureland is not the film you’ll be expecting if you expect a movie like Superbad or any other teenage film that’s come out in the last few years.  These characters and their problems are real, and you are truly included in their struggles and moral misgivings.  This is one of the deepest comedies I’ve seen in awhile, and I completely recommend it.

(out of 4)

**If you read this, please pleeease comment.  Let me know what you think , or at least that you read it.  Am I getting too pretentious with my analysis?  Is there not enough wit in here to make it interesting? I’m not begging you to comment, but I am close..  Don’t make me.

Anyway, 2009 does have its share of long awaited blockbusters, sequels, adaptations and originals (WHAT?!) that whetted my appetite.  I’m not expecting many of these to be on my Best of 2009 list, but dammit I want to see them now.  I’m giving the films that caught my eye the rating that I think they’ll get once I review them.  In somewhat chronological order:

Watchmen

Click poster for link to trailer

I need to see this film.  I need it.  I had heard the announcement about its release a few years back, but was clueless.  It’s some comic book or something, right?  This summer, the first teaser came out.  I was hooked.  I ordered the graphic novel off Amazon, read it in 2 days, and since then my Internet existence has basically been looking for new bits and pieces about Watchmen.  It’s getting to the point that video clips and spoilers are starting to leak out at a faster pace, and I want to go into the theater seeing as little as possible.  I feel like a crackhead in rehab that knows their stash is only a mouseclick away.  Hopefully the lawsuit business is settled before March 6, because I can’t handle this much longer.

Terminator Salvation

Click poster for trailer

I really, really, wanted to hate this film when it was announced.  Arnie wasn’t going to a part of it, they were recasting everyone from Terminator 3 (which was enjoyable, but ultimately forgettable), and McG (yes, Charlie’s Angels McG) was signed as director.  This is just a cheap cashgrab, right?  All signs point to no.  Badass Christian Bale, aka Mr. In Every Film Ever Made, was cast as John Connor.  I went from absolute zero to freezing.  Then, trailers started coming out.  Looked kind of cool.  The war against the machines that had been alluded to for three films has been finally realized.  More trailers started coming, as did concept art and story lines – all looking incredible.  I’m now in disbelief that I am currently very excited for this film.  I’m prepared to have the rug pulled out from under me on May 22, but at least I’ve got my warm fuzzy feelings right now.

Star Trek (trailer on link)

Is it possible that it is cool to like Star Trek again?  I remember being a kid and wanting to go see the new Star Wars film in theaters, but my dad either got confused or was apathetic because he took me to see Star Trek: Insurrection.  Good God.  Cool cats Patrick Stewart and LeVar Burton were unfortunately a part of the cinematic abortion, and that was when I was done with Star Trek.  Until now.  JJ Abrams of Lost (new season in a few weeks woooh) directs another franchise reboot where the crew is young and attractive.  Maybe this belongs more in the films I’m skeptical about but willing to like, but I will most likely see this in theaters after it comes out on May 8.

Funny People

*Not since Happy Gilmore

This just has awesome written all over it.  Judd Apatow directing.  Starring – every person you’ve laughed at in a movie ever since you can remember.  Adam Sandler, Seth Rogen, aka Mr. In Every Film Ever Made, Jr., Jonah Hill, and Jason Schwartzmann star in this inside look to the world of comedians.  I predict there will be reviews saying that Judd Apatow has written and directed a film that is full of vulgarity but that also has a softer side that will make it a critical gem.

Where the Wild Things Are

This movie has already earned the WALL-E award for movie that makes you go "Awwww" the most

Spike Jonze adapts my favorite book as a kid.  Yeah, the kid’s name is Max.  Awww.  I had the audiotape to read along with the book and everything.  The screentest from a while back shows a dark, quiet film with a sad characterization for the main Wild Thing – Carol.  Please please please let this film be released this year.  Numerous delays, reshoots and rewrites have left this sitting on the shelf.  This film needs to be released this year.

The Year One

Jack Black and Michael Cera star in this film about the time of Moses.  I’m excited for this film, but am not quite sure it will follow through with the promise of all of the hilarious people involved.  If it does knock one out of the park, it’ll be my surprise film of the year.

Inglorious Basterds

Pretty even with fungus growing on upper lip

Quentin Tarantino finally gets to make his misspelled WWII epic, and it stars Brad Pitt with a funky mustache.  Recently, Tarantino did a good job with Kill Bill and completely missed on the Death Proof portion of Grindhouse. It’ll be interesting to see how he works in 20 minute conversations about the 1990s in this film set during the 1940s, as well as how he sets up a World War II battle.  This film is on the fast track – it started filming this fall and will premiere at Cannes in May.

Trick ‘r Treat (trailer on link)

I’ve only heard good things about this horror film starring Anna Paquin that was supposed to be released in 2006? 7? 8? and has only been seen a few times since.  Delayed over and over again, this will probably (hopefully) be the film that will put the Saw franchise to rest.  We get it, torturing people is gross.  Eli Roth got the message, why can’t Saw?  Plus the fat kid from Bad Santa is in it while still young.  This is can’t miss cinema, people.

Sherlock Holmes

Downey tells Law that the Perfect Pushup is total crap

Robert Downey, Jr. (eeeee) stars as Holmes with Jude Law as Dr. Watson and Rachel McAdams as the female lead in this Guy Richie film.  According to the picture, Bally’s Total Fitness and GNC were in business in Victorian England and Sherlock Holmes had a lifetime subscription.  Elementary, my dear Watson.

The Taking of Pelham 1 2 3

I’m a big Denzel Washington fan.  The man leaks cool everywhere he goes on screen.  I mean, he got Ethan Hawke high on PCP and then bellowed lines like “I’m surgical with this bitch,” in reference to his shotgun and “King Kong ain’t got shit on me!” in Training Day.  Also starring… John Travolta… uhh, well it has Denzel in it.  Look for him to play someone like his character in the underrated Inside Man, which is perfectly alright with me.

Anddd films I’m skeptical about but will give a chance if someone else does first:

Observe and Report

Mr. In Every Film Ever Made, Jr., stars as a mall cop in this Rated R comedy with Ray Liotta and Anna Faris.  No trailer as of yet, but as long as it looks better than Paul Blart: Mall Cop then I should be okay.

Angels & Demons

The Da Vinci Code was the most boring movie I’d ever seen in theaters.  The book was written for fifth graders, so my mind really didn’t have any trouble visualizing the story.  Imagine my disappointment when the movie was EXACTLY the same.  Protip:  Don’t adapt something if there’s nothing to add.  I haven’t read the prequel, so it should fare better.

Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince

I’m lukewarm on Harry Potter overall.  The whole fandom thing kind of creeped me out and the story never seemed interesting to me.  Everyone I’ve ever talked to says I’m wrong, but this could be the one I finally rent on DVD.

Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen

My Shia crush aside, I liked Transformers.  It actually had some witty writing about the awkwardness of being a teenager.  Sadly, that and the incredible CGI were probably the best parts of the film.  Big stars spouting lame one liners and Shia shouting “Nonononononono!/Gogogogogogo!” didn’t really do it for me.  I’m expecting more of the same, but I’ll probably see this anyway.

Wolfman

If there’s one guy to play the titular character in the Wolfman remake, it’s Benicio Del Toro.  He’s halfway there anyways.  I don’t get why they’re releasing this film in November… after Halloween… but I really don’t know much about this one.  Crossing my fingers though.

Avatar

If you talked to some people on the Internet, they’d have you believe that this new James Cameron flick won every award that has ever existed or ever will.  In it, a paralyzed marine gets another shot at life by transferring his brain or soul or something to an ‘avatar’, in this case a 10 foot tall alien.  Riiight.  And it’s in 3D, which I am really on the fence about at this point.  Annoying, revolutionary, pointless?  I’m not sure yet, but I’m going to find out in December when this film hits.

Agree, disagree, know something I don’t? Leave a comment.

That said, this list was made without having seen some of the top contenders that seem to be on everyone’s lists.  Either they’re completely full of shit, or I’m missing out.  Either way, I haven’t seen The Wrestler, Milk, Frost/Nixon, Revolutionary Road, The Reader, Doubt, and Gran Torino.  Hmm.. I guess I’m alright with the fact that I didn’t spend 60 bucks and three-quarters of a day watching all of them, but writing them all out does make me feel less cultured than I think I am.  They all look great, but I sadly probably won’t get to see them for awhile.

Anyway, of the films I’ve seen this year and can remember, here’s my Top 10.

1. Wall-E

I’ve waxed poetic about Wall-E before, and my thoughts haven’t changed.  This film is iconic.  Animation is taken to new heights here, and I don’t think we’ll see anything like this for awhile.  At least, until the next Pixar film.

2. Slumdog Millionaire

Danny Boyle comes through again.  His stylistically directed resume includes drug film Trainspotting, zombie flick 28 Days Later, and the dark sci-fi film Sunshine.  Bouncing to yet another genre, Slumdog is set in India, where a young man who grew up on the dirty streets makes it to the Indian version of Who Wants to be a Millionaire? and is one question away from the top prize when he is arrested on suspicion of cheating.  As he is interrogated, we learn how he knows the answers – he just lived his life.

Watching, I didn’t know if it really happened.  I just remember thinking that even if it wasn’t true, nothing could take away from the inspiration that this film provides.  I guarantee that when the credits roll, you’ll have a smile on your face.

3. The Dark Knight

Again, I’ve talked about this film alot.  The plot and acting raise the bar for comic book films, and provide yet another blueprint for crime epics that I’m sure will be copied many times in the years to come.  Its unneccesary length aside, this film is what 2008 will be remembered for.

4. Forgetting Sarah Marshall

Underrated and forgotten by most, this is the funniest film of 2008 by far.  There were many top tier comedies to come out this year, including Pineapple Express, Tropic Thunder, Nick and Norah’s Infinite Playlist, Step Brothers, and Role Models, but this surpasses them all.  Hilariously obscene, this film moves into line with Superbad as a film that also has a heart through the jokes.  These are characters you really love.  Not only that, but its quotability is amazing.  “I just went from six to midnight,” is something I’ll be saying for a long time.

5. Iron Man

Robert Downey Jr. is back, and he’s my favorite actor working in Hollywood today.  I’ve tried to see pretty much everything he’s been in the last few years, including pretty small time things like A Scanner Darkly and Kiss Kiss, Bang Bang along with blockbusters like Tropic Thunder and Iron Man.  He makes this film what it is, which is a fun superhero movie with the best kind of character – men want to be him, women want to be with him.  Downey takes his signature sarcasm and makes Tony Stark his own.  Great effects and a great supporting cast in Jeff Bridges, Gwyneth Paltrow, and Terrance Howard.  I’m looking forward to the sequel with director Jon Favreau on board as well as the future Avengers movie.  Just give me more Downey!

6. The Curious Case of Benjamin Button

This film is good, but definitely not as great as you might be led to believe.  The cast is superb, as are the age effects.  This film should win the Best Effects Oscar, and rightly so.  However, the story comes off as something artsy and with a grandiose message, but I feel that Brad Pitt’s character isn’t living his life – he’s just experiencing things as they pass him by.  I also don’t like that we don’t get to see the most crucial time in the character’s life – when the old man is trapped in a boy’s body.  By the time we see him, he is a young boy with a mind gripped by dementia.  We are left to imagine how he suffered as a 65 year old man in a 10 year old body.  This shortcomings aside though, this sad film shouldn’t be missed.

7. Let the Right One In

In a year where Twilight was the vampire film on everyone’s lips, Let the Right One In was the vampire film people should’ve been seeing.  In the independent Swedish film, a 12 year old boy who is bullied at school meets and befriends a new girl in his apartment building that is suffering with living as a vampire.  It’s a dark film, but not horror in the literal sense.  There’s tense scenes, but the film delves more into the true classical mythology of vampires set in the modern day.  As much as I disapprove of 12 year old love, the love story is bittersweet.  Seeing these characters change before your eyes is what makes this film what it is.

8. Zack and Miri Make a Porno

Kevin Smith’s newest film is another comedy in which heart is as important as vulgarity to the story.  And trust me, there is enough vulgarity to go around in this film.  As unrealistic as it is to have a guy and girl living together as just friends who decide that in order to make money, they must make pornographic film, and then after making the film realize that they truly love each other, this film is one of Kevin Smith’s best.  Funny characters and witty writing make this entertaining albeit forgotten film worthy of a Top 10 spot.

9. Cloverfield

Following one of the most mysterious ad campaigns of 2007, ’1-18-08′ or Cloverfield redefines the monster disaster film.  Taking cues from Godzilla in which a huge monster destroys New York, this film featured no A-list (or even C-list) actors.  Instead, the film was shot completely on handheld cameras from the perspective of the characters.  A surprisingly deep story coupled with dark realism and images evoking September 11th, this film was effective in striking a chord in whoever watched.  This film came out nearly a year ago, but it deserves to be remembered as 2008′s most daring film.

10. Eagle Eye

I like Shia Labeouf.  He’s a funny guy, and he’s got a screen presence.  I don’t know how long he’ll be able to work as an actor because I don’t see his appeal once he stops looking like he’s about 20 years old.  However, Eagle Eye is exactly why he’s the hottest name in blockbusters today.  The film is the latest lesson in how government surveillance and computer controlled weapons systems will one day rule us all, and with interesting writing and set pieces is worthy of the tenth spot on my 2008 list.

Worst Film of 2008 – The Happening

My brother wanted to see this, and being a good big brother I obliged.  I figured that yeah, M. Night Shyamalan had had some misses as of late, but The Sixth Sense, Unbreakable, and Signs were pretty cool.  Plus, it was rated R.  This has to be great.  No.  No no no no.  I think this is the worst movie I’ve ever gone to a theater to see.  Writing, acting, plot – all horrendous.  I couldn’t possibly write everything about this film that I hated.  It all sort of just runs together and my mind can only do what Peter Griffin does when Buzz Killington comes around.  Ahhhhh.

Well, after writing that out I definitely feel a lot worse for having not seen all of the movies I missed.  Don’t get me wrong – these movies all deserve to be seen and remembered – but I definitely don’t think Eagle Eye would hold up against any of the movies I listed.  Maybe if someone hired me to write reviews, I could dedicate more time to it.  Ah well..

Here’s to 2009.  Happy New Year.