Well. Being at work for 10 hours a day and taking seven credits doesn’t sound like that big of a deal, but I was surprised to find out that days only have so many hours and coffee eventually stops working. However, I promised I’d get around to writing this, so I’ve taken a break from writing about the Tonkin Gulf Resolution to write about another convoluted conflict involving guys with funny accents – JJ Abrams’s Star Trek.
Let’s just get this out of the way – I’ve never liked the franchise. Too cheesy, too nerdy, too boring (disregarding the badass combo that is Patrick Stewart and LeVar Burton). But, being a fan of Mission Impossible III, Cloverfield, and LOST (that finale! Dayum!), I decided to give JJ a shot. For the most part, he succeeded.
Oh Leonard Nimoy, I, Winona Ryder understand what it means to have your career be in the toilet and being forced to do cameo roles
I decided that I didn’t want to take my Trek alone, and cleared out my social calendar and brought K along for the ride. Props to her for being such a trooper in the wake of numerous immunizations she apparently slipped under the radar without, spending years at college infecting people. But, because she got shots for tetanus and other diseases that I thought had long been eradicated by modern medicine including polio, the black plague, dog flu, and rubella, I felt safe enough to let her come along.
The movie? Right. Again, this is my best attempt at explaining. Don’t hate me, hate the writers. In the year 23-something, newborn James Kirk’s dad sacrifices himself and saves a bunch of people on a Federation spaceship from Eric Bana’s perfectly American accented villian Nero, who is looking for Spock, but in the wrong time. So we flash forward to the year 23-something-later where Kirk as a kid for some reason jumps a 1955 Corvette into the Grand Canyon while Beastie Boys’ Sabotage is playing and he’s getting chased by a hovering motorcycle cop. Pointless? As far as I can tell. Awesome? You bet.
We then go forward again to 23-something-even-later and Kirk (Chris Pine) is a civilian teenager living in a military town who spends his time getting into barfights with the cadets. He’s told he’s “meant for something better,” and decides to join up. Of course, he’s the loner who breaks all the rules, and gets in trouble with Academy leader Tyler Perry (yea..) after cheating on a test that teen Spock (Zachary Quinto) made to be unbeatable. He’s about to go to jail, or something, when Nero decides to come out of hiding and attack Federation ships.
And Spock. We get all the stops pulled out here. There’s young Spock having trouble being both a human and a Spock-species (Vulcan?). We get teenage Spock, also suffering the same problems but dating/ignoring/whining to the sexy black chick, so everything really is okay. And then we get old Spock.. umm. What? I actually don’t remember how old Spock is in their time, but I think he was exiled to Hoth with Cloverfield monsters because he decided to let Nero’s planet be destroyed in the future, which is why Nero is looking for Spock in the first place. Ohhh.. Huh?
But moving on. Like I said, the story is convoluted and would definitely take a few viewings to completely digest. But other than that, it was surprisingly funny and light-hearted, even though I’m pretty sure only the Trekkies were laughing at some of the jokes while K and I laughed at the laughing.
The cast was acceptable, but not as great as I would’ve thought. Simon Pegg (Shaun of the Dead) and Harold from the White Castle movie were okay at best. Karl Urban played the doctor, and I think you’ll be hearing more about him as he gave a great performance. Charlie Bartlett, aka Anton Yelchin played Chekov. Side note – believe it or not, a guy named Anton Yelchin was born in Russia. His perfect English just fooled me, but thank God for IMDB and facebook link sharing. Pine and Quinto did what they needed to while being grumpy towards each other and then gradually coming to an understanding, but I wasn’t blown away.
The effects were indeed great. Ever secretly wonder what it looks like for a planet to get sucked into a black hole? I know you did, and Trek has got you covered.
All in all, this didn’t feel like the various parts of other Trek movies I’ve seen. Fast pacing, snappy lines (you could forget that it isn’t 2009 with the contemporary speech, music, and wardrobe though) and nice visuals are pretty smoothly wrapped up, albeit in a fairly confusing package. That doesn’t take away from the experience though. When all else fails, laugh at the Trekkies.
Well. I’ve gotta say, this review rolled out pretty quickly. What can I say though, charmingly picking apart science fiction movies just comes naturally to me. And for all my loyal fans reading this, I guessss I could be a nice guy and meet you at the Pita Place in Muskegon where we can discuss this gold that comes out of my keyboard, and more interesting things like where the best swingset in town is.
(out of 4)
2 Comments
May 29, 2009 at 12:17 am
Hi…
I just wanted to let you know that Spock is, indeed, a Vulcan. You lost some nerd points there, man. But it’s okay. Funny movie reviews will probably get you ladies and knowing the species of Spock probably won’t.
May 29, 2009 at 4:05 pm
Haha thanks. How’d you find this, by the way? I’m interested in how all these people find this.. There’s literally ones of them.
And the sad part is that even though I had to think about it for a second, I still knew it was Vulcan. So, regarding the fact that you think this blog is a potential chick magnet, I’m just counting on the ones that find a hilarious writer who happens to be a closet nerd irresistible.